Every geek has given over a large amount of brain power at one point or another to ask this most
fundamental of geek questions.
Who’s cooler, Pirates or Ninjas?
I stared off as a pirate man. Pirates have a very fluid code of honor, you don’t hear about pirate
sepuku or pirate hari-kari. Pirates only die by one method, someone else kills them. No pirate
has ever died a natural death of old age because, as everyone knows, pirates don’t age. Pirates are
born looking like Keith Richards and stay that way until they’re killed by another pirate or, in
the case of pirate “red shirts”, by some lame explosion of a powder keg during a pirate brawl. Pirates also have a
totally cool lingo that removes any unnecesary vowels and they get to make up words like garr and
poop deck. Cool stuff. Then I remembered that pirates are pretty much out at sea all the time with
nothing but other dudes. No ladies to speak of except for hookers when they’re in port and I don’t
really like boats all that much.
Now ninjas on the other hand, ninjas have all the cool weapons and costumes. They can do that
running on tree tops thing and can stop bullets with their teeth. Granted, there is that ugly death
before dishonor thing, but just think of all of the kung-fu action grip!
Every ninja has some terrible event occur to them in their past that they have to overcome by
diligent study of a martial art, the original intention of which is for revenge, but then some
crazy old dude that lives on the top of a mountain and makes them paint-the-fence shows them the
true path, so now they’re all like “it’s cool”. Ninjas can hide in shadows and hang on ceilings for
hours at a time, which would come in really handy when I do my covert christmas light hanging. But
then I remembered, crap, Ninjas are all single and don’t have any families or anything because they
were wiped out in that previously mentioned horrible thing in the past.
So, after some thought, I’ve decided that the answer to the pirates vs ninjas question can have only
one answer.
Ninja Pirate love robots. Yeah. Scurvy kungfu love machines. I’ll leave out all of the booty and
tiger claw references. Just have fun with that for the day 